Oh you know that plan, the one that green deciever was so proud of concocting so self assured in his tiny little skort, IT WAS DIRECTED AT ME!

A clever ruse. I was foolish and fell for it. Fell far too easily. He invited me over to his humble abode with posh ornamentation with promises of evil doing and maniacal extravagance. I was aquiver with anticipation. It's been so long since I've engaged in the delicate delight of true villainy. But lo, what is this that I discover lying in the floor? A tiny... oh so tiny sculpture of a polar bear? I was enamored. Stunned. Just half the size of my fingernail. So small. So perfect.

Oh but then, mere inches in front of it was another eensy sculpture. It was the dear Virgin, the sweet mother of all things miniscule in such delicate proportion. I scooped her up as well. I placed her so carefully in my shrink pack, right by the polar bear. THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER! Just ahead of it! OH THE HUMANITY! THE SWEET, TINY HUMANITY! Tiny thing after excruciatingly beautiful tiny thing! I was COMPELLED to move forward. I was in a trance! Mesmerized! How was I to know the fate that awaited me!

Suddently, there I was. In the center of that appalling vast expanse of a bed. PIMP PURPLE EVERYWHERE! I had crawled under a box A BOX JUST MY SIZE! And that cunning creature PULLED THE STICK PROPPING IT UP!

I struggled. Oh how I struggled. It seemed there would be no escape. Even as that deep baritone soothed through the cardboard barrier, "Shhh. Shhhhh. Be calm. It's just me. LIKE HELL I DID! I rattled and rattled! But then I got tired. He lifted the box...and an array of light from his disco ball was tracing patterns around the room. And he was wearing that captains hat and- and... that oddly tiny short robe of his. IT WAS TINY! AND I'M WEAK!

B-but... there was a camera, and I can't imagine WHO might have been privvy to such foul undertaking!

I never thought it would be like this. HONESTLY! It's overwhelming! IT'S ASTOUNDING! I've been in such a slump for so very long, FAILING and TRYING over and over in a ridiculous fashion BUT LOOK!

I shrank a FAMOUS MAN! One of the MOST FAMOUS MEN IN THE WORLD! I think they called in Billy Quizboy on the job BUT HE CAN TAKE IT! He can take it right in the face because I miniaturized that sexually depraved hooligan perfectly.

Little tiny strumming fingers.

Light, feathery somewhat ratted but gorgeously dollike flaxen hair.

Every bit of it. Tiny. Wonderful And filled with such anger.

I FEEL LIKE A MAN AGAIN! A MAN! A TINY MAN! By the god of all things tiny I think I've discovered LIFE again!

Mentok! I wish to see your GLORIOUSLY TINY SKORT! Scudworth! You must MEET ME for a small cleaning session because I wish to engage in further contact with you, you fantastically deranged man. PICKLES! Bestow unto me more of bountiful booze! And get a picture of your friend's bountiful booty while you're at it. THIS MUST BE WHAT DISTURBINGLY RAUNCHY RON JEREMY ORGASM, CRACK COCAINE, AND THE RUSH OF RUNNING FOR PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE ALL MIXED TOGETHER MUST BE LIKE!

It's.... it's beautiful.

It's unfair. I was once a master of villains. I WAS A TERROR! I was a TINY man that made those large, conceited fools TREMBLE IN FEAR! Now I can't even pull off a simple REVENGE decently!

I end up in a very large body, LARGE AND FILTHY! And I even contributed to making it filthier OH LORD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!? Sweet diety of the miniscule world!

Seems a little like Mentok might have planned it just to annoy Orpheus and Xander.

Am I condemned to live out my days as a mere lawyer! A pinnacle of justice or hoping to god getting criminals off with insignificant sentences?! Oh I wish I could just SHRINK EVERYTHING! YOU AND YOU AND YOU and most of all you you little worm down there on the street outside my window. I HATE YOU! AND YOUR JOHN DEERE CAP! TAKE THAT!

Perhaps I should stop talking out loud when I'm typing. It gets people to look at me oddly.

But if I were to shrink everything everything would be smaller than me. OH THE DILEMMAS AND MY DESIRE TO BE TINY! Why can't I be diabolical anymore!? I'm going to go have another tiny courtesy bar sized bottle of cranberry schnapps!

I have fantastic news especially for the world of villainy. My esteemed boss Stan Freezoid of Freezoid, Zarog, & Skon has landed a very lucrative contract, it seems that the Zoocreeper has spawned quite a number of personal claims against him and he'll be paying us for defense against these recent cases.

It's nice when people acknowledge the horror of insects. So tiny, so versatile, capable of wreaking such havoc- KEEP BACK!

Anyway, assisting on this case will land me a very substantial(oh how I loathe the word large) pay raise.

But as a sort of celebration I was wondering if you would be free on the 24th for a light supper and perhaps some fine wine at a very nice supervillain themed restaurant not far from the Birdcage?

[Lock from Mentok]

YOU WANT YOUR REVENGE! YOU WILL HAVE YOUR REVENGE! Everyone will need to wear aluminum foil on their heads for this to work, as that is his weakness and he can't work around it. BUT IF YOU WANT TO GET HIM BACK, THIS IS THE WAY YOU MUST! I'll have him at the restaurant.

[/Lock]

[(Prelude to Mind-Swap. Participating characters must be showing up for the revenge or just conveniently end up there for some other reason. If you want to see a mind-swap in action, watch the episode Mindless.)]

Poll #1138322 Ghetto Booty
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 20

Who has the superior ghetto booty?

They're both in denial. The have to learn to accept their endowments. Though I might as well give them the opportunity to argue it out and settle their differences like gentlemen.

I was on the bus heading home, minding my own business MY OWN BUSINESS I TELL YOU! I wasn't even brandishing or threatening or shrinking, I was merrily reading my copy of Better Homes & Gardens when this ghastly creature came out of nowhere. A child.

You would think that I would have no issue with children. Because they're tiny yes? But oh no. You see, they're growing. Right before your eyes getting ever larger MY GOD BREEDING IS DISGUSTING!. And this despicable little product of human fornication and the exchange of seminal fluids came rushing at me AND WHAT DID IT DO?!

It not only touched me. This... this thing HUGGED ME! And pressed it's peanut butter and jelly smeared face into my chest and I ALMOST FAINTED!

What was I supposed to do? The mother wasn't controlling the vermin. I had no choice! It was inevitable! So I shrank it, jumped out of the window of the bus, and ran away. PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN TO CONTROL THEIR CHILDREN! I've sterilized myself nearly FIFTEEN TIMES THIS EVENING and despite my best efforts I just can't feel clean.

The lovely and hospitable Girl Hitler arranged a flight for me to Underland so that I may help her and her former paramour through their divorce proceedings. Seems there is a lot of those going around at the moment. Which I'm always glad to help a supervillain in need since there's so little old-school evil going on now. Ah, the days of old and kidnapping beautiful delicious women with such plump round DON'T LOOK AT ME! I WILL SHRINK YOU!

I was hoping that if the Monarch isn't too busy consorting with his hipper traveling companions that he would accompany me and Mentok on a little outing to the Birdcage? It's been a while since I've been and the F.E.A.R. boys must be getting antsy without the occasional miniaturized waiter.

Monarch, Stan just came to let me know. THE STUDIO CAVED! Afraid of any more extremely destructive attacks that and Billy Crudup apparently declared your treatment 'unfair and wreckless of the studio' You're now getting a generous portion of the movie proceeds.

Well, as generous as a studio can be.

Could someone please tell me HOW TO ERASE THE IMAGE OF YOURSELF HAVING SEX FROM YOUR OWN MIND!

And no. I'm not coming out and you can't make me.

Monarch? I don't know if you've noticed the news I just happened to be watching waiting for the late shows despite my desire to shrink Jay Leno's chin and Conan O'Brian's forehead, but apparently the set where they were filming your movie?

It blew up.

Most of the actors are safe but you would be surprised at the carnage. THERE'S BURNING EVERYWHERE! They have no idea who did it, either. They can't even find a catalyst for the blaze.

As most of you know, we've been negotiating with the studio producing the Monarch's movie, and those foolish overweight pompous self-assured hooligans WOULD NOT RELENT! Rather than giving over his rightfully deserved proceeds they're REFUSING and generally being very rude and disapproving people.

And then yesterday the studio head comes to the office and starts yelling at ME! and threatening to SUE for emotional damages. Promptly after shrinking his car out the window and telling him to "BACK OFF!" I tell him that HE BROUGHT IT UPON HIMSELF BY DRIVING THE MONARCH CRAZY! as the court has already previously ruled is a valid argument and Guild Laws reinforce.

This conglomeration of idiocy is starting to take it's toll. STAN won't show up for work. The Olsen Twins have been obsessively following Shado around. I find myself beset with imaginary arches, and I even introduced myself to Mentok's mother. The cafes are filled with dark-haired heavilly make-upped youth in the company of so many Nathan Explosions and David Bowies.

RAPPERS are driving by with TAQU'IL pumping up the bass in their eye piercingly shiny Hummers WHICH MAKE REAL POLLUTION APPARENTLY even if they are as fake as can be.

I was going to give up my life of science and villainy, but I REOPENED my lab. Don't you see, people. VILLAINS! This thing is giving everyone their innermost dreams. IT'S MAKING THE WHOLE WORLD HAPPY. Pititfully, scathingly happy. And heroes, can you really take people embracing this falsehood and have it impeding their lives!

Anyone willing to throw in your efforts to find an end for this, come to my lab tonight. Or email me any particular information you find on this phenomenon that I can use.

Link: The Sexual HELL Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Well that would figure. I'm so very tired of cleaning up cereal bowls and working on cases.

Parenthood teaches you something, and I think sadly I might even be developing a fondness for this horrible boy disgusting little creature though he is. He is indeed very intelligent AS LONG AS HE'S NOT DRILLING THINGS TO MY HEAD! No... no I'm fine.

The problem is with parenthood also there is great responsibility and generally no time for petty evil-doings. So I suppose it is time for this aging fiend to finally hang up his ways or else relocate them accordingly in the field of law. I faxed off my retirement papers this morning... which will of course mean if I stop by places now I will have to take to knocking UNLESS IT IS COURT! I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU KEEP ME OUT! BACK OFF!!!

Oh it was a beautiful time we had. Shrinking and shrinking and the horrible reprimand of enlargement. But I suppose those days are past and I should really dedicate myself to Stan's caseload and keeping the shelves stocked with cereal I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU BREAK THE BOWLS NOW YOU LITTLE BASTARD! HA! THEY'RE PLASTIC!! It's on a whole enlightening experience that warms me to my very core, and I'm glad that I've gotten to experience it.

Really, now. Black Vulcan should know better than coming to ask me to find him a new relationship counselor. I don't know that the man has a tactful bone in his body.

32 Bowls.... Fine, wonderous, delicately detailed china bowls they were. One by one I saw them shattered LAID TO WASTE by ever so hostile little hands. I also heard Joseph fled his inevitable fate. Perhaps one day we shall cross paths again, though for now he is wise to be wary my disturbance because I've had a largely unpleasant month.

And poor poor Antoinette. Hungry girl. I know she gets ever so bored of those crickets.

I certainly hope that Monarch snaps to his senses. This whole behavioral distortion is extremely unsettling. I would much rather be who I am than wallowing in filthy promiscuity believe me, it gets you nowhere I WILL SHRINK ALL OF YOU EENSY WEENSY!

I really must search for Killface. His son needs him as much as I need his son the hell out of my apartment. The tarantula does not approve of his presence in the slightest.

[Poll deleted in game... but player leaving it up because it's funny XD]

Poll #1010823 The Monarch's Butt
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 16

Does the Monarch have a girlish butt?

Killface has taken the henchmen that the Monarch so generously donated to... utilize in certain legally prosecutable so probably shouldn't be specifically stated ways *cough* I suppose it is my duty then to make the formal preparations for the end of the world and all that. He's been rather looking forward to it. Probably moreso if he's found spies in his residence.

[Lock to Joseph]

You are okay, aren't you?

[/Lock]

I've been unable to reach Mr. Ofdensen, which is likely for the best if what I think is going to happen is going to happen, but if he does manage to see this or any of the members of Dethklok for that matter Mr. Killface would probably be very happy to have you attend the end of the world. Please. Lord let someone have a plan to save all things tiny and wee... or at least better strippers on Planet X like Mentok promised.

Well Mentok showed up. I suppose that's all that matters.


No tiny cakes for anyone next time.

Ladies and gentlemen I don't know whether you've heard but while you all were engaging in folly of the nuptial variety I WON MY CASE! I'm so very excited by this that I've decided to throw a party of my own.

Yes, that's correct I hope to hold a celebration of spectacular proportions. While I am concerned with the safety of my abode I will lay down ground rules after the arrival of company. OH I'M SO VERY EXCITED!!! I'll be able to cook for everyone though I should probably clean up the mess the Anthill Gang left.

I saw Shado at work today and his very large eye was rather black and blue. In fact, Mentok, you might want to start expecting a call from Hiram Mightor, apparently Stan Freezoid is going to represent Shado in a physical injury lawsuit though fortunately he's willing to not file charges. What exactly did you do to him, anyway?

On the plus side the Chugga Boom case seems to be panning out very well and we may get a verdict as early as next week. Or so I hope, as the Ant Hill Mob has been putting such strenuous pressure on me I CAN BARELY SLEEP AT NIGHT!

-Later Edit-

OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! They're totally messing with my head aren't they? Really, they have to be. OH GOD! OH GOD!

[(For those of you who don't know who Shado is, he's in "Harvey's Civvy", ep found here: Part 1 | Part 2)]